It's Christmas eve morning and I am supposed to be joyful. Tis the season. But my heart is sorrowful. My heart is breaking.
When Jesus was a baby and his parents took him to be consecrated to the Lord, it should've been a joyful occasion for his mother Mary. But she heard Simeon's words to her, "and a sword will pierce your own soul." My heart has been pierced with the thought that Mom's life on earth is about to end. I keep breaking down crying ever since I heard this news on December 15th.
It is hard to sleep at night and then hard to get out of bed in the morning. I've suffered heartbreak from the loss of loved ones in the past, but it has never been this hard. I feel numb; like I'm on another planet, far removed from reality. My brain fails to work when it ordinarily functions with ease.
Mary was again filled with sorrow as she stood at the foot of the cross and watched her grown baby's life pour out of his body. I am watching Mom's life pour out of her body. In my recent visit, I noticed she lost at least 100 pounds since my last visit 18 months ago.
Jesus knew what what it felt like to be sorrowful. In the garden of Gethsemane, he told his friends, "My soul is sorrowful even unto death." His heart was breaking because he knew he'd have to suffer a harrowing death at the hands of wicked men. Mom is having to suffer a harrowing death at the hands of wicked cancer. Cancer cells are riddled throughout her whole body causing her much pain. I wish she didn't have to suffer like this. Dear God, take all pain from Mom's body.
I do not wish for Satan to steal my joy, not in this Christmas season, nor any other time of year. Joy is from heaven, given to Christ-followers as their inheritance. It is a substance or virtue in which no person or thing on earth can offer, only God. So I profess God's words over myself from Isaiah 16:1-3...
Jesus, you died a cruel death so that the wounds of my broken heart would be healed. Heal my heart now Jesus. Make it whole. You died to comfort all who are in sorrow and to strengthen those crushed by despair. Jesus, comfort me and strengthen me. Jesus, you died to give away the oil of joy, instead of tears, and a mantle of praise instead of heaviness. Jesus, take my heavy heart and give me a spirit of joyous praise. Thank you Jesus. I need you. I love you.
Take care of Mom for me and be sure to take her straight to heaven where I will one day accompany her when it's my time.